33. Why would God give pigs better sex lives than humans?

[Warning: Contains Mature (and Immature) Content]

It’s hard to imagine a topic more filthy than pig sex. In fact, I almost withheld the question, but felt it was one that really needs to be asked.

There are many gifts and abilities that God bestowed upon animals that he denied humans. We can’t fly like eagles, or breathe underwater like fish, or run like cheetahs, or regrow limbs like salamanders. And we’re not at all like pigs because… well… God must really love pigs.

According to Swine Genetics International, a boar (male pig) can experience orgasms lasting from 5 to 15 minutes (not seconds). If male humans could do that… well… we’d all spend a lot more time in the shower.

And the female pig also has it better than her human counterpart. A female pig actually has its clitoris located on the inside of the vagina. If you can’t understand why this might be advantageous, then… well… gosh… how can I best explain?

It’s rather like those really old cars… the ones you had to hand crank from the front to get them started, before you could get in and go for a ride. It was horribly inconvenient, because instead of enjoying a nice drive — which is what you really want to do — you have to stand out in the cold, cranking and cranking and cranking to get the dang thing going. And sometimes, while you’re driving, it sputters out and dies… and you have to go back around to the front and crank it some more to get it going again. Today, we can start cars from the inside, and no engineer would ever dream of moving the ignition switch to the front.

But that’s not all! Like humans, female pigs are also able to achieve orgasm. What the hell does a female pig need with an orgasm? I thought such things were designed for our enjoyment… not for… pigs. Talk about throwing your pearls to the swine (Matt 7:6)!

Conclusion

I suppose — if we tried hard enough — we could come up with reasons why God would allow pigs to have more satisfying sex lives than us. For example, maybe before the fall, human sex was just as good as pig sex. And after the fall, God rearranged Eve’s lady bits and reduced male orgasms from 15 minutes to 5 seconds. Ouch. But if God desires for humans to be fruitful and multiply, why increase the pain of childbirth (Gen. 3:16), or make sex less satisfying?

While it’s true that evolution also hasn’t done us any favors in this area, we don’t demand thoughtful design choices from evolution; evolution is only concerned with what works well enough to produce the next generation.

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20 Responses to 33. Why would God give pigs better sex lives than humans?

  1. rautakyy says:

    Very funny! But I have to say in defence of the alledged intelligent design, that the sexual reproduction system we humans have has proven to be a bit over efficient. It is like my dad (a father of three) once said when a new translation of the Bible was finished. He said: “Now, that they made the new version, they could have added to the part where it says, go, multiply and fill the earth with your ofspring, that this goal has been pretty much achieved.”

    Otherwise I am not inclined to subscribe to the ID hypothesis at all. In my opinion most of nature shows more signs of Unintellegent Design than anything very intelligent, though what you said about pigs, might seem very clever from their perspective… Is truth subjective?

    • I’m sure if pigs ever achieve human-like intelligence, they will use these facts to prove that God loved them more. Why else would He make their sex lives superior?

      But ya… sex has still worked out very well for us humans… well… most humans. There are said to have been at least eight other species of the genus Homo that failed to be as fruitful. I guess our ancestors just had the right stuff.

  2. Boxi'n horned saint says:

    Pigs have it so good that they have no reason to develop intelligence 😉

  3. Philosopher and theologian John Frame correctly argued that “[t]he greater good should be seen, first of all, not as greater pleasure or comfort for us, but as greater glory for God.”.

    Our sexuality(performed in right context) glorifies God. It is possibly true that God had a good reason to give us those seconds and not 5-15 minutes. I am perfect happy to accept my ignorance to His reasons.

    Thank you 500questions.

    Prayson

    • O I am happy that I do not have to wait for my wife to be in heat though :O Imagine if we, husbands, had to wait for our wives to heat. I will trade the 5-15 min orgasm on heat lovingmaking to regular secs orgasm 🙂

    • Jack says:

      I’m really not clear on this whole concept of glorifying God. Why would God wish his children to glorify him? Seems terribly self-centered and egotistical to me. (A human flaw I would have expected a supreme-being to have overcome long ago.) I don’t want my own children glorifying ME–that’s just sick.

      • MyAvatarIsAPygmyAtheistAlien says:

        I’d think that by designing humans like pigs were for sex, there’d be a LOT more people glorifying God and a lot more often:

        “Oh god… Oh god…. Oh oh ohhhhhhh GOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDD!!!!!!” *squirt*

        😉

  4. Anonymous says:

    lol funny! pigs have evolved much better then humans!! they have the ability to have a much longer orgasm and dont have the ability to have to sit there and talk afterward lol

  5. Anonymous says:

    pig has long lasting orgasm and ejaculates huge amount of semen.. but still humans are better

  6. Maybe that’s why eating pork was forbidden in the bible. With bible writers being so hung up with the question of sexual sin they must have observed that pigs have such great sex and concluded:

    “These animals are the most sinful in all creation! No one should eat these sexually unclean creatures!” LOL.

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  8. Asclepus says:

    I’m not surprised! in his famous dialogue with Job, god revealed his preference for his beasts of ‘bronze plates and copper pipes’-behemoth and leviathan. He mocked Job as a mewling pussy who had no right to question god’s plans for him, and what was he gonna do anyway? Come on, people, god’s a kid with an ant farm, there’s no big plan, just a big magnifying glass. So Prayson’s right, we have only privileges before god. We should set aside our independent existence with agency and interests, and give ourselves over to whatever glorifies god. Yeah, whatever. Imean, what can finite beings do for an infinite god that he can’t do for himself. This is why I view antinatalism as a message of hope. The forces that Nature represents are merely blind, not misguided or hubristic like some demonic demiurge. Therefore, if we simply reproduce, and nuke the earth out of its orbit (deep space or deep fry, goldilocks is out of stock!), no one will ever have to ponder this issue again. You probably don’t agree with my perspective, but at least the theoretical option is there. With god, he has been known to start from scratch, wipe, and start again. Faced with Entropy, only god could make such a nightmare of Eternal Return possible, so antinatalism is merely descriptive of the ultimate end. However, we only truly win by ending early-like quitting a bad, though finite movie.

  9. Asclepus says:

    * not reproduce.

  10. MyAvatarIsAPygmyAtheistAlien says:

    Makes me rethink the phrase “squeal like a pig”….

    Next time I hear someone say that, I might just burst out laughing!

    (I’m jealous of female pigs now… Because for me, while sex is definitely enjoyable, I have rarely been able to achieve orgasm without external stimulation 😦 it’s not any man’s fault, it’s just the way my lady bits are built)

  11. If I eat bacon during sex will I orgasm faster?

  12. RANDALL S GALARZA says:

    If I understand you correctly, you are suggesting that somehow, God missed the mark by giving humans, the presumed apex of terrestrial existence, shorter orgasms than pigs. I find the thrust (no pun intended) of your argument unconvincing.
    I take your argument to be based on the simple principle that “more is always better”. This principle is demonstrably fallacious; more is not always better. The better question is, “Does human sexuality accomplish the purpose for which it is designed?” This is why, for example, I do not consider it a mistake on the Creator’s part that humans don’t have gills. Breathing underwater would be an amazing ability. But quite simply, humans weren’t meant to live underwater, nor to inhabit reefs; our lack of gills is not an oversight.
    More importantly, comparing human existence to swine existence is, pardon me, laughable. While it may be true that pigs generally have longer orgasms, human existence is orders of magnitude greater than that of pigs. I cannot imagine any human would ever consent to being devolved into a brute pig — even for a day — just to have longer orgasms. Natural swine existence is brutal, lowly, filthy and purposeless.
    Sex is amazing, but it is not the zenith of human experience. Will a pig ever look into another pig’s eyes and experience oneness? Will a pig ever contemplate the stars, the universe, and all that lies beyond—let alone conceive of machines to take him there? Will a pig ever know the joy of singing the same lullaby to its first child that it’s grandmother taught it? Will a pig ever collaborate with other dedicated colleagues to cure complex diseases in order to eradicate suffering? Will a pig ever climb a precarious peak, and upon reaching the top, relish the glow of a radiant sunset?
    Let the pigs have their 15-minute orgasms —I feel sorry for them, not us.
    🙂

    • Hello Randall, it’s nice to hear from you.

      I would have to agree that we humans are indeed fortunate to be able to share in the many advantages that come with a larger/more developed brain. There are also a handful of other physical features that make us more capable than many animals. But there are many cases where the opposite is true.

      As mentioned elsewhere, urodele amphibians, such as salamanders and newts, can fully regenerate their limbs, tail, jaws, and retina. If God loves us more than these animals, why not gift us with these abilities?

      Many apes and chimps have far more physical strength.

      As for gills, we many not need them, but having the ability to survive for more than just a few minutes under water could have saved millions from drowning. Why not allow us to hold our breath for as long as a dolphin, or a whale? What purpose does it serve to have us die so quickly when covered in water? Leaving us unable to fulfill God’s will?

      Wings might also be a handy feature.

      And while a pig may never “collaborate with other dedicated colleagues to cure complex diseases in order to eradicate suffering,” this suffering would not exist had the creator not allowed for it. Since it does exist, we must assume the creator had a purpose for it, and we should not attempt to eliminate it, lest we defy his will and destroy its purpose! The Bible says we must pray for healing if we are to receive it, not try to develop man-made shortcuts. If we do, we imply that God has made a mistake, and that we know better. Where does it end? Perhaps God has also made a mistake in not allowing us to have 15 minute orgasms, and this too needs to be corrected by science!

      Yes, sex accomplishes purpose, and more is usually deemed better. Or do you only engage in coitus for the purpose of procreation? No, you have it more than you need to, because pleasure is good, and more pleasure is almost always better than less pleasure. Just as less suffering is almost always better than more suffering, and therefore ending suffering is seen as justified. So if an orgasm can just as easily last 15 minutes or a few seconds… I’ll take 15 minutes. 🙂

      500Q

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