33. Why would God give pigs better sex lives than humans?

[Warning: Contains Mature (and Immature) Content]

It’s hard to imagine a topic more filthy than pig sex. In fact, I almost withheld the question, but felt it was one that really needs to be asked.

There are many gifts and abilities that God bestowed upon animals that he denied humans. We can’t fly like eagles, or breathe underwater like fish, or run like cheetahs, or regrow limbs like salamanders. And we’re not at all like pigs because… well… God must really love pigs.

According to Swine Genetics International, a boar (male pig) can experience orgasms lasting from 5 to 15 minutes (not seconds). If male humans could do that… well… we’d all spend a lot more time in the shower.

And the female pig also has it better than her human counterpart. A female pig actually has its clitoris located on the inside of the vagina. If you can’t understand why this might be advantageous, then… well… gosh… how can I best explain?

It’s rather like those really old cars… the ones you had to hand crank from the front to get them started, before you could get in and go for a ride. It was horribly inconvenient, because instead of enjoying a nice drive — which is what you really want to do — you have to stand out in the cold, cranking and cranking and cranking to get the dang thing going. And sometimes, while you’re driving, it sputters out and dies… and you have to go back around to the front and crank it some more to get it going again. Today, we can start cars from the inside, and no engineer would ever dream of moving the ignition switch to the front.

But that’s not all! Like humans, female pigs are also able to achieve orgasm. What the hell does a female pig need with an orgasm? I thought such things were designed for our enjoyment… not for… pigs. Talk about throwing your pearls to the swine (Matt 7:6)!


I suppose — if we tried hard enough — we could come up with reasons why God would allow pigs to have more satisfying sex lives than us. For example, maybe before the fall, human sex was just as good as pig sex. And after the fall, God rearranged Eve’s lady bits and reduced male orgasms from 15 minutes to 5 seconds. Ouch. But if God desires for humans to be fruitful and multiply, why increase the pain of childbirth (Gen. 3:16), or make sex less satisfying?

While it’s true that evolution also hasn’t done us any favors in this area, we don’t demand thoughtful design choices from evolution; evolution is only concerned with what works well enough to produce the next generation.

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18 Responses to 33. Why would God give pigs better sex lives than humans?

  1. rautakyy says:

    Very funny! But I have to say in defence of the alledged intelligent design, that the sexual reproduction system we humans have has proven to be a bit over efficient. It is like my dad (a father of three) once said when a new translation of the Bible was finished. He said: “Now, that they made the new version, they could have added to the part where it says, go, multiply and fill the earth with your ofspring, that this goal has been pretty much achieved.”

    Otherwise I am not inclined to subscribe to the ID hypothesis at all. In my opinion most of nature shows more signs of Unintellegent Design than anything very intelligent, though what you said about pigs, might seem very clever from their perspective… Is truth subjective?

    • I’m sure if pigs ever achieve human-like intelligence, they will use these facts to prove that God loved them more. Why else would He make their sex lives superior?

      But ya… sex has still worked out very well for us humans… well… most humans. There are said to have been at least eight other species of the genus Homo that failed to be as fruitful. I guess our ancestors just had the right stuff.

  2. Boxi'n horned saint says:

    Pigs have it so good that they have no reason to develop intelligence 😉

  3. Philosopher and theologian John Frame correctly argued that “[t]he greater good should be seen, first of all, not as greater pleasure or comfort for us, but as greater glory for God.”.

    Our sexuality(performed in right context) glorifies God. It is possibly true that God had a good reason to give us those seconds and not 5-15 minutes. I am perfect happy to accept my ignorance to His reasons.

    Thank you 500questions.


    • O I am happy that I do not have to wait for my wife to be in heat though :O Imagine if we, husbands, had to wait for our wives to heat. I will trade the 5-15 min orgasm on heat lovingmaking to regular secs orgasm 🙂

    • Jack says:

      I’m really not clear on this whole concept of glorifying God. Why would God wish his children to glorify him? Seems terribly self-centered and egotistical to me. (A human flaw I would have expected a supreme-being to have overcome long ago.) I don’t want my own children glorifying ME–that’s just sick.

      • MyAvatarIsAPygmyAtheistAlien says:

        I’d think that by designing humans like pigs were for sex, there’d be a LOT more people glorifying God and a lot more often:

        “Oh god… Oh god…. Oh oh ohhhhhhh GOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDD!!!!!!” *squirt*


  4. Anonymous says:

    lol funny! pigs have evolved much better then humans!! they have the ability to have a much longer orgasm and dont have the ability to have to sit there and talk afterward lol

  5. Anonymous says:

    pig has long lasting orgasm and ejaculates huge amount of semen.. but still humans are better

  6. Maybe that’s why eating pork was forbidden in the bible. With bible writers being so hung up with the question of sexual sin they must have observed that pigs have such great sex and concluded:

    “These animals are the most sinful in all creation! No one should eat these sexually unclean creatures!” LOL.

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  8. Asclepus says:

    I’m not surprised! in his famous dialogue with Job, god revealed his preference for his beasts of ‘bronze plates and copper pipes’-behemoth and leviathan. He mocked Job as a mewling pussy who had no right to question god’s plans for him, and what was he gonna do anyway? Come on, people, god’s a kid with an ant farm, there’s no big plan, just a big magnifying glass. So Prayson’s right, we have only privileges before god. We should set aside our independent existence with agency and interests, and give ourselves over to whatever glorifies god. Yeah, whatever. Imean, what can finite beings do for an infinite god that he can’t do for himself. This is why I view antinatalism as a message of hope. The forces that Nature represents are merely blind, not misguided or hubristic like some demonic demiurge. Therefore, if we simply reproduce, and nuke the earth out of its orbit (deep space or deep fry, goldilocks is out of stock!), no one will ever have to ponder this issue again. You probably don’t agree with my perspective, but at least the theoretical option is there. With god, he has been known to start from scratch, wipe, and start again. Faced with Entropy, only god could make such a nightmare of Eternal Return possible, so antinatalism is merely descriptive of the ultimate end. However, we only truly win by ending early-like quitting a bad, though finite movie.

  9. Asclepus says:

    * not reproduce.

  10. MyAvatarIsAPygmyAtheistAlien says:

    Makes me rethink the phrase “squeal like a pig”….

    Next time I hear someone say that, I might just burst out laughing!

    (I’m jealous of female pigs now… Because for me, while sex is definitely enjoyable, I have rarely been able to achieve orgasm without external stimulation 😦 it’s not any man’s fault, it’s just the way my lady bits are built)

  11. If I eat bacon during sex will I orgasm faster?

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